Chuhe Hanjie among friends
Self-boundary means that in interpersonal relationships, individuals clearly know the scope of their responsibilities and powers with others, and protect their personal space from invasion as well as the personal psychological space of others.
From the perspective of psychological development, self-limits are gradually formed.
The fetus is in the mother’s body, he feels that he and the mother are one, the mother is him, and he is part of the mother.
After birth, although physically separated from the mother, they are still psychologically linked.
Without a mother or mother’s replacement, he could not live a day.
As the child grows up, the psychological distance from the mother becomes more and more distant.
The process of growing up, that is, the process of psychological separation from the mother.
The more divided it means, the better it grows.
Unfortunately, many people will grow up in a state of being separated from their mothers while the other parts are still connected. This is an incomplete growth.
In other words, the line between his ego and his mother is clear in this situation.
This clear-cut situation is projected into all his relationships.
The specific performance is: the number of people, he will reveal his inner world too much in front of others, overly eager for others to understand themselves, and rely too much on others, hoping that others will make decisions instead of themselves;, He would want to know too much about the inner world of others, brake to get a sense of being integrated with others, also want others to rely on themselves, hope to participate in others, even very personal decisions, etc.
There is always a conflict between growth and non-growth in the heart of a person with a clear self-definition.
The power of growth is of course enormous.
Some scientists have experimented with the power of plant growth: using some thin iron bars to crack small pumpkins, the small pumpkins slowly grow up, and the iron bars are easily broken.
Then gradually increase the thickness of the iron bar until the thickness of the iron bar reaches ten times the expected value, and it is not broken.
The power of plant growth is so amazing that the power of human growth cannot be measured at all.
Think about what a one-year-old kid can do, and then think about what a thirty-year-old man can do.
However, the power to not grow is also great.
This is because there are many benefits to not growing up.
The first benefit is security.
In the process of learning to walk, the child turned back a few steps and hugged his mother’s legs for safety. When he grew up, he opened the door of his house and saw a stranger passing by. He closed the door and ran backHugging mom, that’s also for safety.
In the heart of a child, as long as he is integrated with his mother, he is not afraid of anything.
This kind of mentality will be maintained into adulthood. An adult who is not fully grown, he will subconsciously feel that as long as he becomes a person with another person, he will have a sense of security.
The boundaries of ego become blurred in this process.
Growth has always come at the cost of loss of security. Security is one of the basic needs of people. It is second only to the need for food and sex. Therefore, the pursuit of security can be powerful enough to compete with the power of growth.degree.
The second benefit of not growing up or having an unclear self is the conceivable, false warmth.
From a physiological point of view, when we touch an object with a very clear boundary, some hard objects with smooth surfaces, our feeling is that it is it, I am me, and thus have a communication experience.
But when we touch a soft, fluffy item, we feel a sense of integration with the item and a sense of tenderness.
Psychologically, when we find that there is no boundary with a person, we naturally feel the warmth from him. Even if these warmths are imagined by ourselves, they can temporarily help us resist the cold of the world.
A third benefit of unclear boundaries is the ability to control others.
Of course, this sense of control is also imaginary and false.
The reason for this sense of control is that people with unclear boundaries are often not very confident. He cannot be sure that others think he is good, so he needs to control the attitude of others so that he can feel confident.
Everyone has seen very clearly that these benefits are not really real benefits.
If the sense of security is built on civilians, such a sense of security is very unstable; the imaginary warmth and the shift of time will also expose its original face, and the result is more unbearable indifference;A sense of control causes people to feel that they have great power over others, which will sooner or later lead to the destruction of relationships.
Even so, when he controls others, he actually loses his freedom. He often feels controlled by others. He will think too much about what others think, as if he is living for others.
Only growth in itself brings a real sense of security.
Because this sense of security is built on its own capabilities, it is very stable and reliable.Of course, even a well-grown person needs warmth, but the warmth caused by him is real, without any false pretense.
Even if he has a sense of control, he may not need it at all (except for rational control, some necessary control as an executive leader over his subordinates), he has sufficient confidence in himself, the attitude of others to him, and his self-confidenceNo effect.
Psychological demarcation from others is not an overnight effort that requires long-term efforts.
The first thing to figure out is that you have a clear line of view, emotion, and behavior from others.
Then slowly draw clear lines one by one in those unclear places.
There will be some pain, but there will be more joy to grow.
A person with a clear self-definition does not mean that he does not need others, but that he does not bear everything in any vertical direction and rejects the emotional and action support of others.
A clear boundary of self means that a person is close to others, but not as close as he loses himself or as a part of himself. He is still him, others are still others; at the same time, he is alsoIt will not be too far away from others, and it will not be far enough to lose the ability and possibility to love the person you want to love. When he really needs it, he will get a false sense of security and tenderness from others.
Even between husband and wife, parents and children, and friends, everyone should have a clear self-definition.
The emotion that wiped out the boundaries of one’s self, sooner or later, everyone in the emotional relationship that is in the situation is causing harm.
Some people may say that making the boundaries so clear in such an intimate relationship will make the relationship indifferent?
The answer is no.
Because the boundaries of self are clear, it does not mean that there is no emotion.
Moreover, the emotional communication between two people who have clear self-bounds is the deepest, most real and most meaningful.
Let’s get closer, because we all need each other, but do n’t get too close, do n’t get too close. It ‘s you, and that ‘s me;When you love, you can’t hear each other’s voice.